Moving Pains

I just moved to the Windy City. On my way up here I picked up the stomach flu from my family and won't have my bed for a few days so I'm a little annoyed. Otherwise, I have a cozy little studio and a great view. I'll check the city out and decorate when I feel better.

Reflections on Haiti

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I loved Haiti! And when I say this I don't mean that the rubble in Port-au-Prince (PAP) made my heart skip a beat and the poor little Haitian people living in tent cities were endearing. Stuff like that can be so cliche and ignorant. I love Haiti just because! Although probably still a bit cliche, its genuine. I don't have an explanation for why I love Haiti: I just do. Love is like that sometimes.

Despite the fact that I came to Haiti, after traveling around the world and back, I am happy that I have been privileged to have had those experiences to color my perspective and my dialogue with Haitians about Haiti.  I spent most of my time in Haiti at hospitals and in the medical school in PAP shadowing doctors and final year medical students.

I shared my visions and hope for Haiti. I guess, I expected more opposition. I have definitely received a lot of mixed reviews from people throughout my experience in the US and abroad. In general, I have gotten that sense that people think that my dream is well grounded but overly ambitious, presumptuous, and dangerous. Then there are people like my 85 year-old grandfather who prays to live to see a glimpse of the impact he is sure I will make in Haiti. I was expecting the medical students and doctors to have a similar spectrum of opinions and critiques.

I was ready; it feels like I have been fielding questions for years. I guess I was expecting something more along the lines of 'what makes you think you can just come to Haiti and open a medical school? We don't need your help. We have enough qualified physicians who have actually lived here their entire lives and are more dedicated to Haiti than some foreigner can ever be. You over zealous bleeding heart American liberals make me sick!'

I mean don't get me wrong, people were definitely, inquisitive, critical but nothing like I expected.  It took so little to convince people that I was serious and qualified. My resume was enough for the doctors that I shadowed and everyone else seemed to take the qualifications for granted: I am a medical student in the US, I was motivated enough to seek them out, and I had a plan. Everyone agreed that Haiti needs all the qualified and committed health professionals we can get. If I wanted to join the team, then I would be welcomed with open arms.

They were concerned with more practical limitations. Would I be able to adjust to life in Haiti,especially outside PAP? Would my future husband be willing to live in Haiti? Where would I send my future children to school? How long would my medical training take? How much debt would incur in the states? Would my debt in the states limit me from coming to Haiti? What kind of training did I plan on pursuing? How did I plan to keep the dream alive until after my training? What was my time line? Could I handle the mentality of the people? Would I be willing to learn French?

I was so ready to talk politics and philosophy that I was thrown off guard. Of course, I'll live in Haiti. I'm not married. I don't have children. What was this? It was real, that what it was. These are the kind of unplanned parts of like that have a way of diverting you if you don't think about them and prioritize them  as early as possible. And people wanted to see how thoroughly I had thought this through. I answered them as best as I could. But these ideas are certainly food for thought. And I grateful for the reality check and enthusiasm.

I've been re-energized by my experience in Haiti. A small part of me was afraid of the unknown but I should have known better. God would never have put a dream in my heart that was not mine to have. I know that road ahead will be difficult.  But a obstacles are there to stop people who don't want it badly enough.

I look forward to returning to Haiti as often as possible and continuing to develop relationships with the medical community. In the meantime, I'll learn French and leave the husband finding to God.

Quote of the Week

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.  

Mahatma Gandhi

Haiti Cheri

As anyone who has ever met me or heard of me knows: I am in love with all things Haitian. Perhaps this bias comes from my upbringing in a Haitian household and yearnings to visit Haiti: the mother land. I have dedicated much time and energy to learning and contributing to the greater body of literature on Haiti. So you can imagine how it must have felt to hear the news about the earthquake (and its aftershocks) that shook the nation's capitol for two days! I stood in disbelief: there was no way the nation could stand to be stuck by yet another natural disaster. But there it was-on CNN-being rattled to its core, leaving a pile of rubble where testaments to Haiti's freedom and grander once stood.

It sent a shock wave through the hearts of million around the world. My friends, family, and neighbors all rallied to support Haitian relief efforts with our prayers, money, and time. And many of us were forced to put life into perspective. Here I was ranting and raving about the aspects of life that were arguably very important to me on a personal level but insignificant compared to what fellow Haitians were having to deal with. Children are struggling to survive with broken backs and gangrene infected half amputated legs!

In all of this I am reminded that as lofty as my dream to start a medical school in Haiti may seem, it is certainly not unfounded. Now, more than ever, it has become readily apparent that the nation needs people dedicated to providing sustainable health professions education and career opportunities. I want to be trained and settled in Haiti. I want to help the nation recover. But I know that I need to move one step at a time, patiently, efficiently, effectively, and sustainably.

In the meantime pray for the nation and everyone who is on the ground working hard to help the people who need them NOW. Pray for sustained assistance and recovery efforts. And, if you can, support us with your time and money!

For more information on how you can help through the not-for-profit that I have helped start go to www.sfcc-collier.org or email me at anitap@sfcc-collier.org for detailed information.

PEACE!

Quote of the Week

You cannot fully understand your own life without knowing and thinking beyond your life, your own neighborhood, and even your own nation.

Johnetta Cole

Letting Go

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So I recently got some really bad news. When I received this news I thought my heart would shatter into a million pieces. I  mean I have worked so hard for this.  So I wallowed in self pity for a bit. I ranted to everyone who cared to hear: bureaucracy sucks! And now I'm ready to take ownership. Everything happens for a reason. There is no point in harping over it now. All I can do is put my best foot forward and hope for the best.

Then something really amazing happen! I ran into an old friend who I had some previously unresolved issues with. Okay, so I'm not one to hold grudges: they take way to much energy to maintain. And the person that your begrudging is usually completely unaware of the slight. So I try to nip negative energy in the bum ASAP. But this was a very unique case. Anyone who knows me  knows how often I have tried to process how my relationship with this person ended and how something so amazing turned sour. P.S. No one likes a broken record!

So ya, I was  salty about the whole thing for a long while. But after years of trying to figure things out. I finally decided to just let it go a couple months back. I mean REALLY let it all go. I prayed about  it and released it. You can not image how ridiculously refreshing it feels to just let stuff go. Whatever the reason for holding on may be-justice, the need for closure, bitterness, grief, whatever- just let it go! It is a lot easier than I imagined it would be. My only regret is that I didn't make up my mind to let it go sooner!

So,  I ran into this person. Generally our encounters are brief and upsetting (for me anyway) but for the first time it was easy, genuine again. And we were able to fall into a conversation about our past friendship. We were able to forgive each other (yes, there are always two sides to a story if you are willing to listen) and make peace. Who knew that a chat at Starbucks could end so magnificently!

It took 3.5 years! Although we lacked the maturity and courage to address each other earlier, I think we both have grown from this experience. I, for one, am going to stick to my no grudges rule-no more exceptions!

I have also come to understand that there are no good or bad people; there are only good and bad actions. We can make a case for trends, but there are very few saints and and abundance of sinners. I know that there are real world consequences for our actions and repeat behavior, whether good or bad, develops our character. But I believe that anyone can fall, and anyone can be redeemed.

I was so ridiculously energized by the encounter, I can't even be upset about my bad news. Bureaucracy still sucks, but life is good! 

PEACE, JOY, HAPPINESS!

Organizing

Life is so hectic right now. So I have had to sit down and re-prioritize. Somewhere along the way I got them mixed up. I tend to be a really organized person. I live for a well thought out plan. Don't get me wrong; I am open to stepping outside the box and do so often, too often. Life stays fun and fresh when I decide to spend the day at the beach with friends or watch Juno with my cousin. But my tightly packed calendar starts to buckle at the seams when I take unplanned breaks. And even more so when I don't plan breaks into my life.

So, the other day I sat down and put my life down on paper. I wrote down my commitments (including time expectations), prioritized  them, and made some difficult decisions . I had to give up some projects that were really great but not appropriate given my time constraints and priorities. Its so hard to say NO to something that you've already said YES to because in essence you are letting someone down and admitting to a lapse in judgment. You're saying. "I was wrong. I though I could do this but I was not conscientious enough to ensure that I could take on this additional responsibility." 

My biggest problem is that everything seems incredibly important and deserving of my time. If I am completely honest with myself. I have to acknowledge that this perspective is a very conceited one. Honestly, organizations and people were functioning before me and will continue to do so after me. So I'm no longer going to do everything that gives back to the community anymore. I'll give other eager young people a chance. I'll focus on a select few instead.

The plus side to all of this is that I'm learning to recognize my limitations and behave accordingly. I'm also learning that it really is okay to say NO and it is okay to admit when I'm wrong. In fact, it necessary to do so. Now that I've initiated some tough conversations, its becoming easier to speak to people openly and honestly about my intentions and motivations. There are certainly more to come but I think I'm ready.  I'm happy I'm working this out before medical school. 

In the meantime, I'll get back to completing secondaries.